I still love you....

The other day, after a particularly challenging morning parenting-wise (read: my children were creating new and fantastic ways of trying to either give me a massive coronary attack or drive me completely insane), I realized that I had been doing a lot of disciplining and admonishing as of late--for good reason--and decided to take a step back to gain some perspective.  Sometimes it's hard, when it's been months (or in my case, years) since your last good sleep, and you're stuck in the day-to-day drudgery, to remind yourself of all the positive and wonderful things that also accompany parenting.   So when Jakub woke from his afternoon nap, I decided to have some "time in" with him (as Dr. Harvey Karp would call it), and we snuggled in bed together to talk about happy things.  Long ago, I invented a game we play when I tell him how much I love him, it usually goes like this:

Me: "Hey, Jakub, do you want to know something?"
Jakub: "Yes."
Me: "I love you so much."

Now, he knows exactly what I'm going to say every time, but I take it as a sign of contentment that he decides to play along.  But on this particular day I decided to vary the game.

Me: "Do you want to know something?"
Jakub, already smiling: "Yes."
Me: "I love you so very much.  And do you want to know something else?"
Jakub: "Yes."
Me: "No matter what you do, no matter how frustrated I get when you do something you're not supposed to, I still love you."

When I said this, his eyes lit up, his smile radiating even brighter, and it occurred to me that perhaps he thought that whenever I was angry with something he said or did, that I didn't love him at that point in time, and this made my heart ache; just the notion that he might think I don't love him more than I can ever say made me sad.  Upon reflection, I guess I can see where he might get such an idea, since, from what he tells me about his school day, if one child doesn't want to play with another on a particular day, they "are not their friend," but the very next day they may be best friends again.  Perhaps that idea of permanence of affection hasn't quite dawned on them yet.  So I was glad to set the record straight....for a while, anyway....because a few days later, after three time-outs, several toy confiscations and a possible threat to never go to the park again, Jakub turned to me and pronounced happily, "Mommy, it's OK if I misbehave.  I still love you."  And I still love you.  *sigh*  And will forever and ever, until my very last breath.....but I'm not telling him that quite yet...... ;)