I'm thinking of joining the CIA. No, not as a spy--let's face it, the mere sight of a gun would probably make me wet myself--but as a CIA operative trainer. I believe that I, like most mothers out there, am uniquely qualified for this job (yes, I realize that by saying "most mothers out there" I've negated the whole "unique" thing, but I just like saying "uniquely qualified," it's fun). The following is a list of my qualifications:
1) Lightning-quick reflexes - honed mostly by snatching various objects and children in mid-flight.
2) Record sprint times - I believe I may have broken the sound barrier last year, when I heard a small, excited voice emanating from Jakub's room, "Hey, green poo." (On this particular occasion, "poo" turned out to mean "Pooh" in the form of Whinnie the Pooh on a green toothbrush, but you can never be too sure with these things...)
3) Diplomatic negotiation - hey, you try convincing a headstrong toddler (or two) to hand over desirable forbidden objects such as fragile wine glasses or razor-sharp steak knives stolen from the dishwasher.
4) Savage defensive/offensive maneuvers - I call the "momma bear mode." I actually have retractable claws that spring from my knuckles when my children are in danger. I'm kind of a female Wolverine, only ever so slightly less hairy.
5) Multilingual skills - in addition to Czech and English, I also apparently speak Swahili and Gibberish.
6) Advanced cryptology - to you, it's a nondescript scribble. To me, it's an airplane with a monkey wearing a sweater.
and, last, but certainly not least:
7) Ever prepared for any situation - What? You need a tissue? A wipe? Disinfectant? A stick of gum? Food to tide you over until the next meal? A flashlight? A toy airplane/car/tractor/construction vehicle? A first aid kit? A left-handed fingerless glove? Yup, all in my purse, plus much, much more.
So, if you see me acting secretive in the not-too-distant future, you may well know the reason why. I could tell you, but then I'd have to kill you.
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